ItM - Erin - 69

Wanting What I Never Had

I always wondered what my life would be like if I had a brother or sister. Living life as an only child was strange, and I spent my days all alone, hoping for a brother or sister to play with.

A little girl could only have a tea party with her stuffed animals for so long before she desired some actual intelligent conversation. The bears and dolls could only agree with what I said until I wanted a different response.

When I was five, I asked my mother and father for a little brother or sister, and they just looked at me, with sad smiles on their faces. They pulled me up onto the couch to sit with them and told me they might not be able to get me a sibling.

I said they could just find a little kid and bring him home so I wouldn’t be so lonely while playing, and my mother pulled me into her arms, hugging me close as she cried into my hair.

I didn’t bring it up again after that. When I was older, I figured there were medical reasons why they couldn’t have more kids, and they were lucky to have me.

And I was lucky to have them.

~*~*~*~

I went still when Simon mentioned having more children, and I got the sudden urge to cry. It surprised us so much when we found out we were pregnant, and we’d been together for years. I didn’t know if we’d ever get that lucky again, and I didn’t want to hope for more babies, even though it hurt me to do so.

I had my Simon, and now we had our baby. I didn’t want to hope for more, on the off chance that one of them might be taken away from me.

Turning my head, I looked back at Simon. “So, does this mean you enjoy changing diapers and waking up at all hours?”

“Well, no, but it’s not like we suck at raising kids, and Gideon might like a little brother or sister.” His hand came up to stroke my cheek. “What’s with the sad face, pretty girl?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking.” I leaned back against his chest and looked down at Gideon, watching him stare up at us. He looked far too intelligent for his own good. It was like he was staring into my soul and knew far too much about me.

Simon’s lips brushed against the nape of my neck as his arms slid around me, holding me close. “Thinking about what, Erin?”

I sighed. “What if we don’t have any more children? We were together for years before I got pregnant. I’m just afraid that you want more and I want more and Gideon might want sisters and brothers but we won’t have them.”

Picking up our baby, I cuddled him close, breathing in his sweet baby scent, like orange blossoms and baby powder. His little arm came up and his hand touched my neck, like he was trying to hug me, and I kissed his cheek.

Behind me, Simon moved his arms so he was holding onto both of us. “Erin, I’m not going to lie to you and say that I won’t be a little disappointed if we don’t have more kids, but I want you to know the reason why. It’s not just for Gideon, so he can have someone to play with. He’ll have Rory once he gets bigger, and then they’ll be getting intro trouble like only kids can.”

He turned me in his lap until I was sitting sideways, my side against his chest, his arm across my back. “I look at Gideon and I’m surprised we were able to make something so perfect. I see your face when you watch him learn how to smile or move his head, and I want to make sure you always look that happy.”

His hand moved to rub Gideon’s back, and he smiled down at me. “If you do get knocked up again, then we’ll throw a party, okay?”

I chuckled, shaking my head. “You can be so eloquent at times, Simon.” I moved my free hand up into his hand and pulled him close so I could kiss him. “If we ever do have another baby, you can throw a party. I just don’t want Gideon to be alone like I was.”

“He won’t be. We’ll be right there with him, plus the rest of our mismatched family. We won’t leave him alone. Not that you were left alone, pretty girl. You just weren’t given the love you deserved.”

I kissed him again, and sat there on the couch with my boys, enjoying the time alone with them. Sure, I spent most of my days with them, but I still craved the hours I spent with them, watching Gideon learn about the world, and Simon murmur to him about how he thought the world worked.

When Simon was with Gideon, all of the pressure and stress weighing down on his shoulders went away, leaving him happy and carefree. He turned into a child when he was on the ground with the baby, playing with him, tickling him, blowing kisses against his belly. It was wonderful watching them together, seeing Simon with an almost miniature version of himself.

Gideon was all Simon, except for his pale skin. If he was able to tolerate the sun when he was older, he’d have to slather on sunscreen so he wouldn’t burn.

And he would probably yell at me for cursing him with my pale vampire skin.

I wouldn't be surprised if he had fangs hidden under his gums.

Michaela and Aurora came over later in the day, and like every other day when she was near Gideon, Rory ran straight for him, sitting down next to his play mat. “Hi, baby. Wanna play.” She picked up one of his toy cars and ran it up his arm and over his body, like he was the racetrack and she the driver.

Mick chuckled as she sat down on the couch. “Every day she’s all, ‘Wanna go see baby. Wanna go play with baby.’ It’s cute, but it’s getting old. Fast.”

“I’m sorry. I guess it stems from her being so excited to meet him when I was pregnant.”

“She was lonely, and she wanted someone to play with because she was lonely. She has her friends at the park now, but Gideon’s family, so she wants to play with him more.” Leaning back against the couch, Mick closed her eyes. “When he gets bigger, they’ll be like siblings.”

“I’m sure they will.”

We watched them for a few minutes, and Mick looked over at me. “Was it hard growing up by yourself?”

“Kind of. I wanted someone to talk to, more than anything else. I wanted someone to share things with, because I didn’t usually have anyone there to laugh with or cry with.” I looked at Rory lie down next to Gideon to whisper to him and stroke his arm, and smiled at them. “But they won’t be alone.”

“Not if we can help it.”

I chuckled and looked at her, noticing a look on her face that I hadn’t seen before. “And how are you doing? Is Gabe still trying to get you to go out with him again?”

“Of course he is, and I’m not about to say yes. The restaurant he picked was nice inside, but the food was overcooked, the waitress spilled water on both of us, and the coat check lost my nice grey wool coat.”

“Well, didn’t you go home wearing Gabe’s leather jacket?”

She looked away for a split second, like she wanted to avoid this conversation. “Only because they lost my coat.”

“Of course. And how many times did he kiss you before you were able to escape the car?”

Her cheeks turned pink as she blushed, and I moved to sit closer to her, stroking her shoulder. “Why can’t you admit that you care about him so much? You’re torturing him, not to mention yourself.”

“I’m not about to screw up his life.”

“Mick, by living with us, we’ve all screwed up his life. He’s ours now, and he wants so much to be yours. Can’t you see that?”

“Of course I can, but what am I going to do if he’s not there one day? What am I going to tell my little girl?” She sniffled, rubbed at her eyes, and leaned against me. “She loves him so much.”

I stroked her hair. “And so do you, Michaela. You can’t control who you love, but you should grab onto it with both hands when you get the chance to experience it. It hurts when you’re separated, but when you’re not, you’re only hurting yourself.”

She looked up at me. “But how am I supposed to know if it’ll work out, that I’m not ruining his life?”

“You’re not. That’s part of being in love. You’re not supposed to have all the answers. If you did, it would ruin the surprise.” I rubbed her back, and pushed her back until she was sitting up straight. “So, what are you going to do?”

“Punch him in the face.”

I laughed, shaking my head. “Well, besides that.”

“Maybe go tell him. Is this how it was with my brother?”

“Well, it was different with Simon. He didn’t know I was there, and when he realized I was there, he fell hard and had to beat me over the head with it. I suppose the end is kind of the same. Just don’t go and get pregnant right away, if you two do sleep together. Simon might threaten to kill Gabe.”

“Probably.”

We watched Rory mumble to Gideon until they both fell asleep, Rory breathing softly with her hand holding his. Mick went over to pick up Rory, but I stopped her. “Let her sleep. I’ll get Simon to take her home when she wakes up.”

Mick left and I watched the little ones sleep, with Rory starting to curl around Gideon like she was protecting him. I thought it was cute, and covered the both of them with a blanket before walking over to the window to look outside.

I saw a wolf standing out by the lake, and I knew it was Simon out there, his animal side wanting to make sure we were safe inside the house. I pressed a hand to the window and he howled, the sound both haunting and comforting at the same time.