I line-by-lined it for ya. Take what you need. Toss what you don't.

~~~

Work as Life

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to do this. Maybe it’s some bizarre sense of loyalty towards the people who took me in after my parents died. Maybe it’s because I know that if I don’t take care of them no one else will. It’s not like they know how to take care of themselves.

Of course, maybe I’m just insane.

I kind of doubt this[;...I'M A SEMI HATER, AS ARE A LOT OF EDITORS. AN EM DASH WILL WORK AND LOOK MUCH NICER HERE] I don’t honestly think I’m insane. I am grasp[ing] at straws to find a reason for my continu[ing] job [AS A][DELETEof] personal assistant/housemaid/cook/computer programmer[.][DEL/][DELa bunch of other] jobs that five [DELother] people should be doing instead of me.

Who was the moron that decided vampires made good servants to the werewolves? Sure, they could bark and scratch and rake their claws through our skin, but we could bite the hell out of them and drain their blood. [THIS SENTENCE SEEMS OUT OF PLACE HERE. IT WOULD WORK BETTER AFTER THE FIRST SENTENCE IN THIS PARAGRAPH...Shouldn’t it be the other way around?]

I’ve long since given up trying to understand how the world works, but sometimes I still like to wonder why things are the way they are.

It’s a bad habit, but I think I deserve [ONE][DEL...TOO MANY IT'S HERE...it]. I’m allowed so few luxuries as it is.

~*~*~*~

I looked out the kitchen window at the trees behind the house and imagined what it would be like to drop everything I was doing, to leave [DEL... IT WHAT?...it] and go outside, stand in the shade, and listen to the breeze rustle the leaves.

But I couldn’t, and soon I was right back where I was: stuck in a life I didn’t want.

“There you are, Erin. Look, I’ve got an appointment in the city in an hour and I haven’t eaten or dressed. I can’t find my gold pumps. You know, those ones with the open toe and the nice heel that don’t make my ankles look so fat?”

I rolled my eyes [,][DELas] my hands [DELwere] wrist deep in a bowl of [BREAD] dough [DELso I could make some fresh bread]. Sometimes I wanted to [SHE'S A VAMP...PLAY UP THE VAMPY QUALITIES HERE...BITE HER IN THE NECK? beat up] this woman so she would leave me alone. “Your shoes are up in your summer closet, Ms. Eleanor. I’ll make you your breakfast once I’ve got this bread in the oven. Why don’t you go upstairs and get dressed while I’m cooking? I’ve already laid out that white pantsuit of yours with the red trim.”

She made a [sound] that [sounded] like a [happy] squeal, and started running down the hallway for the stairs. [NEEDS REWORDING TO GET RID OF ONE OF THE 'SOUND'S']

A middle aged woman should not make the [sound] of a [happy] squealing teenager, especially a sound so high-pitched that it could shatter glass.

I looked around the kitchen, notic[ing] the other servants [DELslowly] wander[ing] around before leav[ing] to work. [I wasn’t the only one in the house...WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT]; there were cleaning maids, nannies, chefs for luncheons and suppers, butlers and various other employees. [BUT] Apparently, I was the only one [WHO][DELthat] could make any of our helpless bosses [happy] for more than ten minutes.

Lucky me.

One of the kitchen maids [NO NAME?] [chuckled] and took the dough bowl from me. “I’ll finish this for you, Erin. One of the other girls will cook their damn breakfast.” She clucked her tongue like a mother hen. “That woman runs you ragged sometimes. I wish she would give you some more time off.”

I [chuckled], heading for the sink to wash my hands. “It’s because they know I don’t sleep a lot. They figure I’ll be at their beck and call most of the day, [so] they’ll squawk when they want something, not caring about what time it is. Besides, I’ve got tonight off, [so] I’m going to go out and enjoy it.” I gave her a wink and she laughed.

It really wasn’t [so] bad. I had my own room with a connecting bathroom. I had my own things, like books and clothes and little bits that I thought were special. I had my own TV and DVD player, and a computer.

Of course, the room was almost as big as an [EITHER USE 8X10 OR EIGHT BY TEN...8 by 10] prison cell, the TV [was] [USE THE WORD TWELVE IF YOU USE WORDS FOR THE DIMENSIONS OF HER 'RISON CELL'...12] inches across, the bathroom [was] dark and cramped with no room for an actual tub[SO WHERE DID SHE BATHE?]. There [was] one small closet that barely held all my clothes, and the modem connection to the computer [was] so slow it would take hours to check five e-mail messages. [ALOT OF WAS'S IN THIS PARAGRAPH]

[BUT] At least I didn’t have to share it all with someone.

And at least I [was] an adult, barely older than [20], staying in the house just for the job security and the salary they paid me. It [was]n’t as if I was some poor young orphan or forgotten step-child.

Well, I was an orphan, but I did have some money.

There [was] also the ‘uniform’ that I was ‘gently forced’ to wear. My skin [was] pale, but the clothes made me look even paler. It [was] like they wanted to wash me out, or make me look like a wandering shadow. Whatever it [was], guests of the family rarely noticed me, which [was] for the best. It [was] generally frowned upon to have vampire servants. Usually I wore black slacks, a long-sleeved black sweater made out of a light material, black slippers almost like ballet slippers, and a [black scarf or hood...PICK ONE] that wrapped around my neck and covered my hair.

Their reasoning [was] that they didn’t want my hair everywhere, but I think it [was] to hide my slightly pointed vampire ears and the blue-ish veins ever present in the pale skin of my neck.

I [was] grateful [DELETEthat] they didn’t make me strip naked once a week for a cavity search. They made more of the newer employees do that. I’d been there for [10] years, so I had some kind of seniority.

The kitchen maid started pushing me out of the kitchen. “You go check on [them that are...HUH? IS SHE FROM THE SOUTH?] upstairs. We’ll take care of everything down here.”

I chuckled and headed up the large staircase with a smile, the tips of my fangs making tiny dents in my bottom lip.

I didn’t mind being a vampire. It was pretty nice to be different sometimes, but other times I wanted to be around people who were [DELjust] like me.

There [was] a large mirror at the top of the stairs that reflected myself back at me as I got to the top, and I looked at the large brown eyes and slightly wide mouth I saw. The dark smudges under my eyes were natural, not the cause of any use or abuse of make-up. [NO OFFENSE, BUT SHE'S BEEN GOING ON ABOUT HER APPEARANCE FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW. IT DOESN'T DO HER CHARACTER GOOD AND MAKES IT SEEM LIKE SHE'S SHALLOW, TALKING ABOUT HERSELF SO MUCH. IT'S STRAIGHT UP DESCRIPTION. BUT HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT THOSE DARK CIRCLES? THOSE BLUEISH VIENS? HER PALE SKIN?]

The family’s teenage daughter hated me for it, saying ‘it wasn’t fair that she had to work at looking good for her boyfriend when I could slack off and not even try and I could look [10] times better than her.’

Don’t you love stuck-up teens? Personally, I would’ve smacked her a few times, but then I’d get fired.

[They...THEY WHO?] were one of those standard four person families: the father William, who was usually holed up in his home office working [DELand talking on the phone]; the mother Eleanor, who was an ostentatious social butterfly with delusions of grace and charity; the [20] year old college student son Simon; and the [15] year old bimbo daughter Michaela.

I headed up the stairs to check on the state of the bedrooms, and [DEL...I] was almost run down by Michaela heading downstairs in a cloud of hair spray and perfume. Her brown hair [was] teased and styled to the point where it looked like a [large puff ball...LOL!], and her face [was] covered in a thick layer of make-up. I [DELalmost] wanted to call her a wannabe street walker because she looked like one in her short skirt and thin tank tops, but I held my tongue. [SHE LOOKED LIKE A WANNABE STREETWALKER IN HER SHORT SKIRT AND THIN CROP TOP. I HELD MY TONGUE TO KEEP FROM SAYING SO...JUST AN EXAMPLE OF HOW YOU CAN CHANGE THINGS UP TO MAKE YOUR WRITING MORE ACTIVE.]

She and I used to be friends[--]of a sort[.][DEL,] [since we were close in age and I was the only other girl around when she was younger and grounded for stupid pranks she played at the private school she attended...THIS SENTENCE NEEDS REWORKED. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY THOUGH] [BUT She’d become a bimbo and a jerk when her and her friends had discovered fashion magazines and celebrities and their trust funds.]

It wasn’t like losing her semi-friendship hurt me[;] it just meant that I['D] [BECOME][DELbecame] another person she could boss around to make her life easier.

Simon walked past me next, [DEL...YOU DESCRIBE THE CLOTHES IN THE NEXT PARA...dressed in his usual dark and baggy clothes]. He [never looked at me as I went by...LIKE RIGHT NOW OR EVER?][;] [he was [ALWAYS] more focused on where he was going than who was around him...OUT OF POV]

This morning, like most, he [was] wearing black jeans and sneakers, and a large black shirt. He [was] tall, with a head full of shaggy black hair with red and blond streaks, and [had] dark blue eyes that [were] [DELalmost] the colour of cobalt. His ears [were] full of silver studs and there [was] a silver ring in his left eyebrow. [ALOT OF PASSIVE VERBS IN THIS DESCRIPTION. THIS IS YOUR READER'S FIRST IMPRESSION OF YOUR HERO. MAKE IT POP.]

His crowd of friends [was] full of semi-Goth-punk guys who [DELliked] listen[ED][DELing] to loud music and [HUNG][DELhanging] out in those dark clubs hidden in deserted warehouses. Sometimes I would walk past his room and [DELI] could feel the bass vibrating under my feet [AS IT ECHOED THROUGH THE FLOORBOARDS.][DEL, running through the floorboards.]

We weren’t close, [DELeven] though we were similar in age, but he had few demands, making my life a little easier. [BELIEVE IT OR NOT,] He actually knew how to pick up after himself.

In short, he was really, really cute.

[DELWell][ACTUALLY, he was damn hot, [DELactually;] I loved [THE][DELthat] slight brooding mood he seemed to have all the time, [ADD MORE REASONS WHY SHE THINGS HE'S HOT] [NEW SENTENCE] but nothing could really ever happen between us, even if he felt the same way. [HIS][DELThe] family was important socially, and it would be impossible [FOR WHO?] to accept [THAT][DELif] a werewolf was dating a servant, let alone a vampire servant.

I didn’t understand why I was attracted to him[DIDN'T SHE SORTA SAY IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH?]. I couldn’t [DELeven] remember a time when I didn’t think he was good-looking. Maybe it was because he was the only guy around that, for some reason, appealed to me.

It was surprising, because I didn’t know I was attracted to black clothes, streaked hair, and multiple piercings. The eyebrow ring was kind of sexy, though. I wondered if he had any I didn’t know about, or couldn’t see, [LIKE][DELor] if he had a tattoo.

As long as no one knew about my girlish crush, including Simon, I was going to be fine.

[THERE WAS ALOT OF INTERNAL MONOLOGUE GOING ON BETWEEN THE LAST ACTUAL ACTION THAT TOOK PLACE. SHE WAS GOING UPSTAIR THEN, TO CHECK ON THE BEDROOMS. NOW SHE'S GOING THE OTHER DIRECTION?] [Walking down the stairs, I looked around [DELat] the front hall [FOR WHAT?] before heading into the dining room to immediately fall victim to Eleanor’s endless criticism on how I wasn’t there when she started eating. ALOT OF PREPOSITONS AND GERUNDS MAKES THIS SENTENCE HARD TO FOLLOW.]

At least I had the evening off to [go] out and be normal. I didn’t know where I was [go]ing to [go], but I knew I would have fun. I needed to have fun.

I was liable to hurt someone if I didn’t.[NICE ENDING!]

~~~

Just a few suggestions. I did see a bit of word repetion here or there. Nothing too major.

The passiveness was what got me. Mainly the was's, were's and ING verbs. Since there wasn't a whole lot of actions going on, that didn't help to make things active either. You did a great job of introducing Erin's position in life, her job and the conflict--her attraction to Simon. I just personally think her musings need to be interspersed with more actions and dialogue to show rather than to tell.

I also wouldn't have minded more were and vamp culture/references in there too. But that's just me.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. Feel free to tear my lycans a new one.